The Hind End of Space

you know sometimes I wonder if the last person I dated did something to me on a subconscious level.

She was a total sweetheart and a good person, don’t get me wrong, but I think it may have screwed me up in some way? Like, she broke up with me cuz she realized she was a lesbian.

You’re reading that right.

This was five years ago (before I started transitioning) but yes, but she knew. I was very open about it with her. Now I have to wonder if because of this I internalized it somehow? Like making me think I’ll always be inadequate to lesbians or whatever. Or maybe I’m just letting shit get to my head, idk.

Last night…

Mom: Garbage day tomorrow.

Me: kay.

Today…

Mom: UGH I’M NOT TALKING TO YOU YOU NEVER DO ANYTHING AROUND THIS HOUSE

Me: ?????

Mom: I told you to take out the garbage last night and you just said “YEAH OKAY” It’s supposed to be your job!

Oh, right mom. I’m sorry that “Garbage Day is tomorrow” doesn’t translate to “take the trash out” in my mind. Also, my job? You’ve been doing it before I got home from school on Tuesdays EVERY WEEK for several months. GOD. 

mtf-roxy:

There are days… actually many days… where I feel like super duper inferior for being trans.

It sucks. I mean there are days where i yearn for the “ignorance is bliss” shit, where I just denied who I was and lived in ignorance. I fought any thoughts of “trans-ness” and just… dismissed them. After all I’m not ~*THE STEREOTYPE*~ so clearly, I can’t be trans! nawww.

Even in like… the cosplay community I have this feeling. Let’s face it, there aren’t many MTFs around there (which imo makes no sense) and it’s acceptable for girls to cosplay male characters but not vice versa. As a result I take all sorts of shit whenever I’m cosplaying. and I’m scared to do anything about it. You have no idea how awful it is to be seen as such a joke, for serious. When you’re stuck between the rock and hard place that I am you yearn for safe spaces… then you realize you don’t have any. It’s all a lie. It gets better? My ass gets better (no really it does).

I wish I could do things over again, from the ground up. But do I really? I’d lose out on experiences that made me who I am, but in place of those I’d have new ones that may have actually been better. I have no way of knowing unless I can like. open up the multiverse or some shit. which would be cool, but unrealistic.

I just would’ve liked to see things as they could have been.

as they should have been.