In which Sophie has a rude awakening.
Last night I learned something the hard way:
I can’t keep my stupid big mouth shut.
I’ve let myself become too involved in the culture of the “activist”. This isn’t to say activism isn’t good or important, but it has affected my life and outlook in a negative way. It created a sense of entitlement in me; a need to point out things that bothered me even when there was really nothing wrong with them. I cared too much, and while caring is very important, I cared too much, and it affected my happiness.
On Facebook last night I pointed out something that I saw as cissexist which really wasn’t, which resulted in me being a big idiot, saying stupid things, and ending several friendships. I talked to another friend of mine earlier today, another trans girl. She’s the type who more or less managed to assimilate, something I always wanted to do, but never could. I always felt like I’d be different, no matter what. And regardless of your thoughts on queer assimilation, one thing’s for sure:
She’s actually happy.
She told me that being a radical does me no favors, that I should work to just become a model citizen, and that forcing myself to be an activist just makes me a whiny bitch. It’s harsh, but true. She made one point, however, that is nearly impossible to disagree with:
“Did you transition for yourself, or for every trans person?”
And that was it. That was what got me thinking. And I can’t disagree with it. She’s right. I do want to live for myself, and trying to live for every trans person, well, will just make me feel miserable. Being too radical just increases tension and distance. And I thought, wait, didn’t I think that way once before?
I remember a year ago I spent a lot of time criticizing “Die Cis Scum”, and how much that hurts the community. Now I’ve realized that I’ve almost become that, and it needs to stop. All it does is alienate people. There will be activists, and there will be leaders. I don’t need to be one to be happy.
And frankly, regardless of what your thoughts on assimilation are, I should work to be happy, first and foremost. And if working in the “cis peoples’ world” to become a model citizen means that? I’ll do it.
She also mentioned that surrounding myself with too many trans people poisoned my mindset… and I think she’s right. Over a year ago I had hardly any friends who were also trans women, and I think I went a bit overboard since then. It WAS a toxic mindset. Of course, this doesn’t mean I’ll tell all my trans girl friends “yeah I don’t wanna be friends anymore”. I just need to spend more time with people who share more in common with me than the fact that we’re both trans.
…which is why I never wanted too many trans girl friends in the first place.
Basically, I didn’t listen to myself. I betrayed who I was, and my friend had to step in and set me straight. I think she did me something good.
