I decided to have some fun on Trollmegle or whatever they’re calling it these days.
My friends, I give you… Char Aznable meets Dave Strider.▲: Hm, hm, now what have I stumbled upon here.
▼: what
▼: you stumbled upon dave
▼: thats what you stumbled upon
▲: Red? Good taste you have.
▼: yeah man
▼: check this shit out
▼: red is the best color ever
▲: My name is Char Aznable. You are Dave?
▼: company secrets right there
▼: yeah
▼: char?
▲: Tell me, where have I found myself? I seem to have gotten a bit lost.
▼: that sounds like a pretty chump ass name
▼: i dont know where you are
▼: hell i dont even know where i am
▼: somewhere in the third ring bubble or something like that
▼: aka smack dab in the middle of dweebville
▲: Tell me, do you use your red powers to go faster? We have a secret in Zeon that states that when you paint your mobile suit red, it’s capable of moving at three times its normal speed.
▼: i dont have red powers
▼: i have time powers though
▼: i guess that counts
▲: Also, don’t you wear sunglasses? Those are a very efficient disguise, you know.
▼: since time players wear red
▼: no way man
▼: its not a disguise
▼: just shades for maximum blockage of possible chumpage
▲: Ha. You are amusing.
▲: Tell me, would you be interested in joining the forces of Neo Zeon? Someone like you would be a very effective pilot.
▼: pilot
▼: what
▼: does that mean i get to fly planes
▲: Mobile suits. Do you not know what they are?
▲: Interesting. I may have stumbled into an alternate dimension…
▼: haha oh man
▼: that sounds like something out of the animes
▼: i think youre looking for jade
▲: Do tell me more.
▲: How old is this Jade, if I may ask?
▼: idk probably 15 or so by now
▼: its like
▲: Young. Just the way I like them.
▼: woah woah woah
▲: Lalah was only 14 when we met… although I lied about her age.
▼: youre not one of those internet predators are you
▼: shit let me go get my mommy
▼: im telling the cops on you
▲: Cops? I’m the head of a military organization.
▲: I’m above all law enforcement.
▼: so then youll be one of those assholes they arrest and put on tv then right
▲: Hmph. I’ve been on television far too many times.
▲: My exploits were known throughout Zeon.
▲: I once hijacked the Earth Federation’s conference at Dakar. Unfortunately my message never got through.
▼: so youre one of those well known pedos
▲: So now I’ll be throwing a giant asteroid at Earth.
▼: sort of like that bear on the internet
▼: cool
▼: you spend all day trying to rope in young boys by promising them free animes
▲: Boys? I’m not into boys.
▲: Just young girls.
▼: like jade
▼: and rose
▼: no way
▼: im not farming girls for you
▲: You’re the one who keeps telling me who they are.
▼: …
▼: youre right
▼: ok i wont say anything about anyone else
▼: im mr zipperlips
▲: You are very intelligent. My organization could use somebody like you.
▼: ugh god i sound like a 15 year old girl
▲: But your mobile suit can’t be red.
▲: That is my color.
▲: Tell me, do you know anything about dropping asteroids? I could use some advice.
▼: uh
▼: wait
▼: let me address some key points here sir
▼: first of all red is my color so back the fuck up
▼: and give it back
▲: I have to show the narrow-minded people of Earth the error of their ways. I must drive them from the planet and into the space colonies. Their souls are weighed down by gravity.
▼: second of all the only thing i know about asteroids is that a bunch of them blew up earth while i was playing this stupid game
▼: oh right
▼: and im on one right now
▼: third of all youre a chump and thats a stupid reason to want to attack people on earth
▲: Hmph. An Earthnoid like you could never understand.
▲: Mankind can’t reach their full potential and become Newtypes while living on Earth.
▼: you sound like karkat
▼: let me guess
▼: next thing you know youre gonna tell me about how im supposed to create a new universe or how you made my universe or some other weird time shit
▲: We don’t need another Universe to make mankind reach its potential. I once fought an entity that believed that, and its creation of a new Universe just resulted in more wars and conflict.
▼: i once fought an entity that believed that touching my cape was an acceptable thing to do
▲: A cape? We seem to share fashion sense, as well.
▼: yeah man capes are the best
▼: lets make a secret order of badasses in capes
▼: first order of business is to get you a girlfriend
▲: I have one. My secretary, Nanai.
▼: so you guys like to roleplay then
▼: lame
▲: She does not ageplay, if that’s what you’re insinuating.
▼: ageplay
▼: what the fuck is that
▲: Um. Nothing.
▼: you and your girlfriend are probably both nerds who got on the wrong computer
▼: maybe youre stuck on an asteroid with a bunch of trolls because you cant find her
▲: I would hardly consider myself a “nerd”.
▼: or something like that
▲: Also, Axis has nothing resembling these “trolls” of which you speak. We don’t allow toys on military premises.
▼: hahaha oh my god
▼: trolls arent toys
▼: theyre these weird looking gray kids with horns
▼: and then theres karkat
▲: And you accuse me of roleplaying…
▲: You’ve mentioned this “karkat” before. Explain them to me.
▼: explain what
▼: karkat or roleplaying
▲: Karkat.
▼: karkat is this short gray undulating asshole with nubby little horns
▼: apparently he likes to eat capes
▼: and he has it out for me
▼: the end
▼: ok kiddo its nap time
▲: I must avoid him, then. My cape would be threatened.
▲: “Kiddo”? I’m twice your age.
▲: Tell me, are these trolls extraterrestrials?
▼: i guess
▼: im not really into poking around and asking them about their personal business
▼: its kind of a touchy subject for them apparently
▲: Interesting. Nobody on my Earth–or the colonies–has ever encountered an extraterrestrial.
▼: so youre from earth
▼: god whats going on there
▲: Not Earth proper, rather, one of the colonies within its orbit.
▼: how did everyone survive the exploding stuff
▲: Exploding stuff? I don’t follow.
▼: i wonder if anyone knows what happened to the rest of my apartment building
▲: There have been constant wars, yes, but the planet still stands.
▲: I plan to end all wars for good, and proclaim myself sovereign of all mankind.
▼: well shit you have to ascend to the god tiers first
▼: you cant just up and call yourself the best without being the best
▲: Tell me more about “god tiers”.
▼: you have to die first
▼: and then you get these awesome action pajamas
▼: and cool time powers
▼: but you have to be in the cape association im sorry secrets are for club members only
▼: i need to see your card before i continue
▲: Hmph. I think you’ve wasted my time far enough.
▲: I must make a threatening speech to the Earth Federation government then drop a smaller asteroid on them to get their attention. Farewell, Dave.
