I decided to have some fun on Trollmegle or whatever they’re calling it these days.

My friends, I give you… Char Aznable meets Dave Strider.▲: Hm, hm, now what have I stumbled upon here.

▼: what ▼: you stumbled upon dave ▼: thats what you stumbled upon ▲: Red? Good taste you have. ▼: yeah man ▼: check this shit out ▼: red is the best color ever ▲: My name is Char Aznable. You are Dave? ▼: company secrets right there ▼: yeah ▼: char? ▲: Tell me, where have I found myself? I seem to have gotten a bit lost. ▼: that sounds like a pretty chump ass name ▼: i dont know where you are ▼: hell i dont even know where i am ▼: somewhere in the third ring bubble or something like that ▼: aka smack dab in the middle of dweebville ▲: Tell me, do you use your red powers to go faster? We have a secret in Zeon that states that when you paint your mobile suit red, it’s capable of moving at three times its normal speed. ▼: i dont have red powers ▼: i have time powers though ▼: i guess that counts ▲: Also, don’t you wear sunglasses? Those are a very efficient disguise, you know. ▼: since time players wear red ▼: no way man ▼: its not a disguise ▼: just shades for maximum blockage of possible chumpage ▲: Ha. You are amusing. ▲: Tell me, would you be interested in joining the forces of Neo Zeon? Someone like you would be a very effective pilot. ▼: pilot ▼: what ▼: does that mean i get to fly planes ▲: Mobile suits. Do you not know what they are? ▲: Interesting. I may have stumbled into an alternate dimension… ▼: haha oh man ▼: that sounds like something out of the animes ▼: i think youre looking for jade ▲: Do tell me more. ▲: How old is this Jade, if I may ask? ▼: idk probably 15 or so by now ▼: its like ▲: Young. Just the way I like them. ▼: woah woah woah ▲: Lalah was only 14 when we met… although I lied about her age. ▼: youre not one of those internet predators are you ▼: shit let me go get my mommy ▼: im telling the cops on you ▲: Cops? I’m the head of a military organization. ▲: I’m above all law enforcement. ▼: so then youll be one of those assholes they arrest and put on tv then right ▲: Hmph. I’ve been on television far too many times. ▲: My exploits were known throughout Zeon. ▲: I once hijacked the Earth Federation’s conference at Dakar. Unfortunately my message never got through. ▼: so youre one of those well known pedos ▲: So now I’ll be throwing a giant asteroid at Earth. ▼: sort of like that bear on the internet ▼: cool ▼: you spend all day trying to rope in young boys by promising them free animes ▲: Boys? I’m not into boys. ▲: Just young girls. ▼: like jade ▼: and rose ▼: no way ▼: im not farming girls for you ▲: You’re the one who keeps telling me who they are. ▼: … ▼: youre right ▼: ok i wont say anything about anyone else ▼: im mr zipperlips ▲: You are very intelligent. My organization could use somebody like you. ▼: ugh god i sound like a 15 year old girl ▲: But your mobile suit can’t be red. ▲: That is my color. ▲: Tell me, do you know anything about dropping asteroids? I could use some advice. ▼: uh ▼: wait ▼: let me address some key points here sir ▼: first of all red is my color so back the fuck up ▼: and give it back ▲: I have to show the narrow-minded people of Earth the error of their ways. I must drive them from the planet and into the space colonies. Their souls are weighed down by gravity. ▼: second of all the only thing i know about asteroids is that a bunch of them blew up earth while i was playing this stupid game ▼: oh right ▼: and im on one right now ▼: third of all youre a chump and thats a stupid reason to want to attack people on earth ▲: Hmph. An Earthnoid like you could never understand. ▲: Mankind can’t reach their full potential and become Newtypes while living on Earth. ▼: you sound like karkat ▼: let me guess ▼: next thing you know youre gonna tell me about how im supposed to create a new universe or how you made my universe or some other weird time shit ▲: We don’t need another Universe to make mankind reach its potential. I once fought an entity that believed that, and its creation of a new Universe just resulted in more wars and conflict. ▼: i once fought an entity that believed that touching my cape was an acceptable thing to do ▲: A cape? We seem to share fashion sense, as well. ▼: yeah man capes are the best ▼: lets make a secret order of badasses in capes ▼: first order of business is to get you a girlfriend ▲: I have one. My secretary, Nanai. ▼: so you guys like to roleplay then ▼: lame ▲: She does not ageplay, if that’s what you’re insinuating. ▼: ageplay ▼: what the fuck is that ▲: Um. Nothing. ▼: you and your girlfriend are probably both nerds who got on the wrong computer ▼: maybe youre stuck on an asteroid with a bunch of trolls because you cant find her ▲: I would hardly consider myself a “nerd”. ▼: or something like that ▲: Also, Axis has nothing resembling these “trolls” of which you speak. We don’t allow toys on military premises. ▼: hahaha oh my god ▼: trolls arent toys ▼: theyre these weird looking gray kids with horns ▼: and then theres karkat ▲: And you accuse me of roleplaying… ▲: You’ve mentioned this “karkat” before. Explain them to me. ▼: explain what ▼: karkat or roleplaying ▲: Karkat. ▼: karkat is this short gray undulating asshole with nubby little horns ▼: apparently he likes to eat capes ▼: and he has it out for me ▼: the end ▼: ok kiddo its nap time ▲: I must avoid him, then. My cape would be threatened. ▲: “Kiddo”? I’m twice your age. ▲: Tell me, are these trolls extraterrestrials? ▼: i guess ▼: im not really into poking around and asking them about their personal business ▼: its kind of a touchy subject for them apparently ▲: Interesting. Nobody on my Earth–or the colonies–has ever encountered an extraterrestrial. ▼: so youre from earth ▼: god whats going on there ▲: Not Earth proper, rather, one of the colonies within its orbit. ▼: how did everyone survive the exploding stuff ▲: Exploding stuff? I don’t follow. ▼: i wonder if anyone knows what happened to the rest of my apartment building ▲: There have been constant wars, yes, but the planet still stands. ▲: I plan to end all wars for good, and proclaim myself sovereign of all mankind. ▼: well shit you have to ascend to the god tiers first ▼: you cant just up and call yourself the best without being the best ▲: Tell me more about “god tiers”. ▼: you have to die first ▼: and then you get these awesome action pajamas ▼: and cool time powers ▼: but you have to be in the cape association im sorry secrets are for club members only ▼: i need to see your card before i continue ▲: Hmph. I think you’ve wasted my time far enough. ▲: I must make a threatening speech to the Earth Federation government then drop a smaller asteroid on them to get their attention. Farewell, Dave.